This post was contributed by regular columnist, Robert Crawford. On the opposite end of our normal content, which provides helpful tips to smooth out your operations, this post is offered up for a bit of comedy. We encourage you to share your comments or your own practical jokes in the comments section at the end.
[Update: For those of you who missed the tongue in cheek nature of this post, it is in fact, a joke. Please don’t try this at work. — Matt Stansberry, Editor]
Work is getting to be too serious. Between the demand for 100% availability and doing more with fewer people, there is little room for those “water cooler” moments we used to enjoy. I say it’s time to revive joy in the workplace and build team spirit. This column suggests some practical jokes that will engender mirth and leave everyone in stitches.
Remap the 3270 emulator keyboard
When a colleague leaves his or her workstation unlocked our first temptation is to send a scathing e-mail to the CEO. But some situations call for something more subtle. Instead of a career-ending missive simply reprogram the victim’s 3270 keyboard mapping.
There are a lot of creative ways to do this. My favorite is to shift every key one to the right so that typing, “logon” will actually be “;phpm” on the screen. Keyboard macros also offer possibilities where a joker could map“left-shift-F1” to type, “tso delete sys1.linklib” and hit enter.
Rename ISPF profile dataset
The lowly ISPF profile dataset (ISPPROF) looks innocuous enough as a simple, 80 byte record library. However, over years of use it accumulates a user’s preferences, job card text, PF key assignments and favorite datasets. Most of us don’t realize how lost we would be without this saved information until it’s gone.
Make someone’s day by deleting his or her personal ISPPROF library. Be sure to stand near your victim’s cubicle so you can hear the hilarious exclamations of disbelief as he or she scrambles to recover. For extra points, be sure to delete any backups in Hierarchical Storage Manager (DFHSM).
DD Dummy a DBMS archive file
Each database management system (DBMS) from IMS to DB2 has an archival process that copies active log records onto tape or other media for safekeeping. Normally these archives aren’t needed except for database recoveries.
Someone with access to the archival JCL could alter the archive output dataset to DUMMY. The records are then copied off of the active logs, but are not saved. The records will soon be gone for good when, in a few hours, the DBMS comes around and overwrites the allegedly archived log.
Imagine how hard your database administrators (DBA’s) will laugh when they have to do a production database recovery only to find they have no records to do so. This also works in cases where a DBMS has to go into the archival logs to emergency restart.
Replace stand-alone dump (SAD)
SAD is the failure data capture tool of last resort designed to gather storage dumps when the system itself is so damaged it can’t recover. System-wide failures are rare nowadays but strict uptime requirements mean any full LPAR failures must be diagnosed on the first occurrence.
Messing with SAD isn’t easy as not everyone is prepared to do the type of primitive, low level programming required. However, a study of SAD’s structure and flow may allow a lesser programmer to cause mischief by replacing a CSECT or two.
There are a couple of variations on this joke. One tactic might be to replace the SAD prompts with questions such as, “What was that IPL volume again?” Another opportunity is to leave the prompts alone and execute enough code to keep the processor busy for the amount of time a SAD usually takes. But, instead of writing storage contents, fill the dump dataset with cheerful speculations about your coworkers’ personal lives. I’m sure IBM support will also appreciate your wit after a long day of looking at normal dumps.
Reinitialize database volumes
This practical joke comes with plausible deniability. After all, anyone could understand why a simple finger check or brain freeze might cause someone to reinitialize the wrong set of volumes.
What I like about this joke is the slow buildup. You can reinitialize the volumes at 08:00 in the morning. Nothing bad will happen immediately as the DBMS usually has the database datasets along with the necessary extent information. However, once the volumes are reinitialized they become available for allocation and the wide open spaces are too tempting of candidate volumes to System Managed Storage (SMS).
Accordingly, by 10:00 or so other datasets will start to pop up on the volumes. As they appear DBMS reports of missing records and I/O errors will trickle in. Soon the errors will become a flood just about the time the DBA’s realize what’s going on.
At that point you can explain your joke to the merriment of all. Better yet, you have your own topper when the DBA’s realize they can’t recover the databases because you dummied out the DBMS log archive a couple of days ago.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: For 24 years, Robert Crawford has worked off and on as a CICS systems programmer. He is experienced in debugging and tuning applications and has written in COBOL, Assembler and C++ using VSAM, DLI and DB2.