Thanks to Matt Hickman, director of information technology at Craig Technologies, for sending this along after reading my article about Google’s plan to build data centers in Iowa.
Prospective Google data center employees, heed warning.
Guide to not getting your butt kicked in Iowa (the abridged, and censored version):
1. Don’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Jonesy’s. It’s a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they’ll kick your butt.
2. Don’t laugh at the names of our little towns (Greeley, Strawberry Point, Cresco, etc.) or we will have to kick your butt.
3. Don’t order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it’s called “pop”. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt-kicking.
4.We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we’ll kick your butt.
5. Don’t try to fake an Iowa accent. We don’t have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie “Field of Dreams” because that will incite a riot and you will get your butt kicked.
6. Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-cities like Detroit, Chicago, and Minneapolis and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
7. Don’t complain that Iowa is flat and that all you can see is corn and hogs. If you whine about it, we’ll kick your butt.
8. Don’t ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.
9. So you think we’re quaint because most of us live in a corn field? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we’ll kick your butt all the way back to Silicon Valley.